The Bliss of Now

 The sweet, musty smell of the imminent spring rainstorm fills my nose. The air is so thick I choke with every breath, and droplets of water accrue on my face as I stand in the silence.  Looking out over this field, water forming larger and larger droplets until they run down my cheeks and nose, I realize there’s something so special about being here. It’s a rare moment in time where everything stands still. Even Earth seems to halt its rotation to preserve this moment for as long as possible. For even Earth knows that peace like this is rare.  

This. This is perfect. Pain and loss and love and doubt are reasons to live. But this. This peace in front of me, surrounding me, enveloping me. This is everything. The stillness of the world surrounding me; consumes me into a painting. Future and past no longer matter. They never will, so long as I’m still.  

A path before me winds through the field of grasses and flowers. A nearly invisible brown in an unmoving sea of green and gold and lavender. A simple, one way street with a determined destination. Only the destination is not at the end, but merely every step and every moment experienced on this river of beige within the green. Every single now is the purpose of this path. But I don’t want another now. The only now I want is the one right now. So, I remain still. Because if I'm still, now will be forever.  

A small droplet of water on my brow is met with another from my hair. A path before them emerges as they absorb each others masses. The large droplet of water can no longer hold itself in time. It slips. Torn out of its now and forced into many. It travels down the bridge of my nose and off to the side where it catches in the creases of my eye. Once again, the droplet is torn, forced over the bags below my eyes and is caught in the highway of the crease of my nose. Propelled through the crease and down to my lip where it holds, unwilling to be ripped from its last chance at a now. The droplet falls from my lip, and still I remain. For I will hold this moment in time, because I don’t want any other now. 

Aches in my legs, and aches in my feet. Still, I remain in this now.  

My back and my neck, protest. But still, I remain in this now.  

Nothing will rip me from this peace I feel and force me to another now. I only want to remain in the place where time ignores me. Now.  

Crunches in the distance behind me threaten to tear me from my now. Voices approach and crunches get louder but still I remain in my now. The crunches slow and stop right behind me but my now is still here. Light pressure on my shoulder imperils my now. I shut my eyes and will myself to be in the now.  

“Excuse me. Are you ok?” 

I lower my head, my eyes still closed, and turn toward the voice. My eyelids raise, and so does my head as tears are ripped from my eyes. I stare into theirs, questioning their motives. What could they gain from ripping me from my now? I look back to the field, to the streak of beige in the green. I breathe in the moisture the same as before, but everything is wrong. The voice behind me intrudes once again. 

"Are you ok?"

Without turning around I finally respond.  

“No. Not now.” 

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